“And every time I close my eyes
My heart is bleeding deep inside
But now my eyes are open
And I’m never gonna be the one for you”
Breaking Point – Goodbye To You
A year ago I was in a very different place, literally and in terms of what I wanted. Big moves come with big expectations and sometimes those turn into big disappointments. If you’ve read most things here (I would say anything, but sometimes I just ramble) you know I tend to think about things and how they went down. Sometimes I have the answers to my own questions and sometimes I wish I did. On this one, I’m kind of in the middle if that makes sense. Things went sideways and while I have some thoughts on the whys, I don’t have anything concrete either. The thoughts on why are more things on the other person’s end and while I wanted to be that difference maker, the fit just wasn’t right.
“Show Me Where It Hurts And Give Me Something Real” and “Dear C…” highlight that period of time, that time being time spent there and the thoughts that followed it. I couldn’t write enough posts to cover all of the time leading up to that. For starters, I’d be writing for about a year to cover everything. Secondly, I’m not sure it would do me much good really. I could rewrite those thoughts because I mean I can but what’s the point, let’s make it simple and quote the important parts and I’ll summarize my thoughts a year out from then at the end, okay? Good deal glad we all agree.
I’ve filled time with a lot of reflection on every aspect of life. Music very much played a huge part in helping with that. I refocused my energy into areas that I had been neglecting and while I’ve still got plenty to keep improving upon, I feel the most like myself that I have in a very long time. I never thought I’d even get close to being back to that. There have obviously been changes from all of the things I’ve experienced and been through, but the me that I’ve been missing is in sight. Hell maybe this post is a sign of that, it’s the first time in ages I’ve felt like it was something worth doing and here I am. I’ve loved and lost, left and and been left, felt like I’ve had nowhere to go and wanted to be anywhere else at the same time. I’ve tried more times than I can count and failed ten times more than that. I still do. But going forward is the only choice. All the things that have happened and they way they happened was the path I was given. I’ve walked it for long enough, time to change course. Take a chance. There’s no reward if there’s no risk.
It’s time, I’ve moved into Chapter V. A lot of those very chapters have been covered here or moved here with me when I started. Chapter I being the shortest as that all predated any of my time in this virtual space and maybe someday I go back and really flesh that out more. It would probably be therapeutic to do. Maybe. This new chapter is mine and mine alone. If I’m here, I’m here solely because I want to be here and do what I want to do. I’ve said that before I know, but I’m not looking for anything anymore. All I need is the “me” I had lost along the way. This new chapter has more promise than any before it, and that is no slight to anyone in those chapters, I loved, I learned, I lost, I failed, I triumphed, I did my best. Where things go from there I can’t predict, but for the first time in a long time I don’t want to predict anythingShow Me Where It Hurts And Give Me Something Real – March 6, 2022
The beginning of Chapter V had a ton of promise really. As you’ll read in the next little excerpt you’ll understand why it did, hopefully, and why it didn’t. Maybe. When I say life has a weird way of things all lining up, I really do mean it in this case. I’ve met a lot of people from a lot of places. Plenty with similar interests, but I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else whose path lines up almost identically with my own. It’s almost crazy. Not only did we have very similar interests (outside of music, I still say my taste is better, and she can keep her stuff there), we happened to be in the same places in the same timeframes, like literally the same cities at the same time. We never knew it then, only during the lead-up to San Francisco did we learn that. Our grandparents even trained at the same Naval base way back when as well, like I said universe-level shit lining up.
Life has a weird way of things all lining up and seeming like it’s just the way that it’s supposed to be. I found myself in that position around my birthday last year and it was strange yet intriguing at the same time. The aforementioned C is a friend and one that was dealing with a lot of things going on. Now we all know I myself can be, and claim that my default attitude is, an asshole. But, I felt like she needed someone that gave a damn because it was very clearly not something she was handling well on her own. So I reached out. It started out slowly and progressed as time went on to the point of talking every day for hours about anything and everything. We were already friends and knew some things about one another, but we came to know a lot more over those conversations. While this ended up not going the direction that I think either of us anticipated, I will cherish those chats. I needed them just as much as she did, even if she didn’t know that.Dear C… – April 4, 2022
Dear C… admittedly took me some real time to write because I had to figure out where I was at and what I wanted to do. It was not the best time ever but it wasn’t the worst. I wish I was able to figure it all out but hell I’ve said that a hundred times before. I’ll pin some blame on myself, and while I can’t know the reasons on the other end I know there are reasons. Life does have a weird way of things all lining up and seeming like it’s just the way it’s supposed to be. Then it crashes the sky down upon you and leaves you wondering what happened. I’ll always wonder.
Some might call them wasted hours as things didn’t end up where we thought. I suppose even I could but that would be foolish. I learned a lot, both about her and myself. There were a lot of days where we literally were what got the other through the day. Sometimes I’m 80% and she’s 20%. Sometimes it was the opposite, even if she would argue that was not possible. As I’ve said in previous posts, the last year has been a whirlwind of what seems to be unending death. 3 grandparents, an uncle, 2 family friends, it just seems to be endless. I anticipate more before 2022 closes as well. She was on the phone when my last grandparent took her last breath. She didn’t know it had happened at that moment though. She knew it was coming; even I didn’t know how long it would take. It ended up being in the midst of us talking about something and while I knew and could have told her, I chose not to. Some of you might wonder why and it’s honestly very simple. I needed the conversation to keep going so my mind didn’t sit and dwell on something I couldn’t control. I did end up telling her after we talked a while longer. This is what I mean when I say they weren’t wasted conversations. I needed them, more than I care to admit.Dear C… – April 4, 2022
At the time I wrote that I said we were still friendly and talked, less so than before but there no was hate. That changed this year when I had to cut her out of my life because it was just not healthy anymore. I had put everything I could into keeping her steady and above water because life just was a mess on her side. Eventually, though you have to realize the time you are spending doing that isn’t doing you any good because you become the object that all of the anger gets dumped into. Maybe I earned some of it, maybe I didn’t, but I sure as hell didn’t earn as much as I was getting. Cut the cord, clearly, I still give a damn, but for my own good I’m best here and she is best wherever she may be.
At the end of the day, it got me to take the first real vacation I’ve taken in years. To see things I’d never seen before and be somewhere I had never been. I’ll never forget those things or that time. I don’t regret a single second spent talking, not sleeping (lord knows I did a lot of that), of being the 80% a lot, any of it. It -was- the right thing to do. It didn’t work out and that is life. Sometimes you just have to move on. Chapter closed.
Before we go though I have to talk a little about the new things that helped this post come to life because they are important! We’ve got TWO new beards from [MAGNIFICENT] at the March round of The Mens Dept. You can pick up both the FADED GODLIKE Bento Beard and the HIPSTER GODLIKE Bento Beard in all of the color options. They are both rigged for LeLutka Eon, Skyler, Quinn, Jon, Alain, and Logan this time around. Make sure you are wearing the right beard with the right head and adjust sliders to make it fit to your liking. I know you’ll be seeing it much more from me because lord knows I own all of the heads at this point. You can check them out below.
Lastly, but not least, is Cori’s outfit for this photo. I knew I needed something new because she doesn’t get the credit card very often. I remembered seeing something new from Seniha when I was late night scrolling, but where was the question. Thankfully Flickr is easy to go back to and boom, Kustom9 here we are. She fatpacks like Lucky does so she picked up the fatpack of Seniha’s Carol Set that is available at this month’s round of Kustom9. I highly recommend not only this set but anything they make because I’ve never been disappointed and I’m not sure I know anyone else who has either. Credits for everything else can be found below. Until next time…
“Yesterday you were my best friend
But tomorrow took you away
There’s not much for me to say now
Just goodbye, farewell”
Breaking Point – Goodbye To You
Head: LeLUTKA.Head.QUINN.3.1 ~ Jaden Nova
Head Applier: STRAY DOG – GREG – LELUTKA – TONE 04 ~ Gac Akina
Hair: [MAGNIFICENT] THOR Bun – Grooming Hair – LeBarbier Alpha
Hairbase: EGX. BOM Ragnar Hairbase ~ Veviaz Resident
Beard: [MAGNIFICENT] FADED GODLIKE – Bento Beard & Stache – LeBarbier Alpha ~ NEW @ The Mens Dept (Mar 5-Mar 31)
Beard Layer: Volkstone Rey Facial Hair // 004 TINTABLE (BOM) ~ Daves Hexem
Ears: ^^Swallow^^ Gauged S Ears ~ Luciayes Magic
Eyes: Avi-Glam. Glory Eyes – 403 ~ Eye Daddy
Body: [LEGACY] Athletic (1.5.1) ~ MeshBody Resident
Skin: STRAY DOG – Legacy Skin – TONE 04 (BOM) ~ Gac Akina
Hand BOM: K.O.K.O.S SHOP – SEXI MAN HANDS-BOM ALL BODY. ~ Aleric Dallas
Tattoo Top: DAPPA – Reckoning Tattoo. [FADED] Lelutka EvoX. ~ Devil Fae
Nails: N E X U S HD nails v.4 ~ CheerNo Destiny
Shirt: NATIVE URBAN – Rolled Jersey LEGACY ~ NativeUrban Resident
Pants: <kalback> Everyday Jeans M4_Regular Cuffs (Legacy) ~ Patrix Beck
Rings: **RE** Grim Reaper Bracelet & Rings ~ Crashnoww Resident
Earrings: = DAE = SXD1 ~ Naomi Darkheart
Pose: CKEY Poses – Theodore3 ~ Clarisa Congrejo ~ NEW @ The Mens Dept (Mar 5-Mar31)
Head: LeLutka EvoX MILAN 3.1 ~ Jaden Nova
Hair: DOUX – Hyx Hairstyle ~ Dam1710 Resident
Head Skin: [Glam Affair] Korina [Lelutka EvoX] Valley~ Aida Ewing
Ears: ^^Swallow^^ Gauged S Ears (f) ~ Luciayes Magic
Body: [LEGACY] [BODY] (f) (1.5.1) ~ MeshBody Resident
Skin: VELOUR x VENUS for LEGACY (VALLEY/ATHLETIC) ~ Kiria Mama
Tattoo: DAPPA – Impact Tattoo. [FRESH] ~ Devil Fae
Jacket: Seniha. Carol Jacket // Legacy ~ Seniha88 Resident ~ NEW @ Kustom9 (Mar 15-Apr 10)
Top: Seniha. Carol Top // Legacy ~ Seniha88 Resident ~ NEW @ Kustom9 (Mar 15-Apr 10)
Shorts: Seniha. Carol Short // Legacy ~ Seniha88 Resident ~ NEW @ Kustom9 (Mar 15-Apr 10)
Belt: Seniha. Carol Belt // Legacy ~ Seniha88 Resident ~ NEW @ Kustom9 (Mar 15-Apr 10)
Necklace: (Yummy) Layered Sirena Necklace ~ Polyester Partridge
Earrings: ^^Swallow^^ Earrings Gauged S01 (f) ~ Luciayes Magic
Pose: CKEY Poses – Cataleya ~ Clarisa Congrejo
Building: DRD – Irish Pub ~ Deathrowdesigns Resident
Beer: 220ML – Guinnirish Beer ~ Jonas Acanthus
Person 1: YO_V.man-002 ~ HimikoToga Darkheart
Person 2: 3D People – Business People – Kenneth (2 LI) ~ Photos Resident
Person 3: ::DisturbeD:: Jacqueline Girl Checking Phone Character ~ TalRam Resident