Show Me Where It Hurts And Give Me Something Real

“I’m sorry if I seem impatient
I’m not a fan of pleasantries
See, I get bored with the weather and what’s in the news
The topics we all hide beneath
Could not care less about your day job
The gossip or ordinary stress”
Andy Grammer – The Good Parts

It’s been a year and four months since I last sat down to write anything here. Sure there have been times between now and then where I tried to, but it just never felt right. If you’ve followed me at all you know how I write. I write what I feel and sometimes it has nothing to do with anything, but it is what I feel. I’ve tried to remain true to that ever since I decided to come back the last time in 2018. I never intended on staying around for as long as I did or for anything beyond logging in for a wedding to turn into more. Obviously that didn’t end up being the case. I was 100% committed to it being a one time only show up thing and then I ignored my better judgment and made a definite mistake. One that I was reasonably quick to fix when it became apparent to me.

From there I gave my all to another and I don’t regret that at all. Life was good and we had yet to hit the pandemic, which of course changed all of our worlds. Unfortunately for me it came at a greater cost personally. I felt like I was slipping, not sleeping enough or well enough, ignoring what I needed, and probably had needed for way longer than I should have. It took a come to Jesus moment, and we all know I am not religious, so for that to happen I was literally at the end of my rope. I took the steps I needed to, working on me, adjusting what I needed to, and trying to remain present in all other aspects of my life. I did a pretty good job for quite a while but even the best burn out eventually.

It was in the same time frame that the elderly in my family started to get worse health wise. It’s not something anything can ever control because we all age, and eventually that time comes for us. You can never be prepared though, even if you know, it still hits home. I started 2021 off losing my remaining Grandfather on January 25. It was quick and not expected at all, literally there and gone in like three weeks. That left me with two Grandmothers. One of which had fairly progressed Alzheimer’s at that point so I had already lost her to a degree. Later that year in August, my other Grandmother fell and broke her arm. She was too old and frail to have surgery for it so she would have to live with that. Further tests revealed she had been dealing with some type of infection for quite a while and it had gotten to the point where her body was shutting down. Again we knew it was coming from what we had been told, but it was quick again. That one hurt a lot, we were extremely close and there was a ton of family drama that just made it all the worse. I tried my best to keep soldiering on from there but I’ll be honest, I wasn’t happy with life, with myself, where I was. I knew that meant I had to decide to keep trying knowing it was doing more harm than good or to step away from it all and try to rebuild myself and my world. I didn’t get very far before I had more to handle. As improbable as it sounds my last Grandmother, made it all the way to 2022, she passed away on January 24th, the night before my Grandfather had the year before. I’d lost all 3 of them in the span of year. I was lost.

I left Second Life behind because I needed to focus on myself and where I needed to be. I knew it wouldn’t go over well and that I would lose people along the way. But I had to, or I was going to lose myself. I had already come close once and I wasn’t leaving that to chance again. I don’t know that I’ll ever fully come back really. I’ve said that before and gone back on it, but I feel like I’ve reached the point where I am okay if I don’t end up returning and staying. It was great while it lasted but sometimes you have to know when it’s time to move on. While the months since I left haven’t been all sunshine and rainbows, I have found good along the way. After my exit from Second Life, I also took a break from World of Warcraft. If you’ve known me ever, you know that I’ve invested my fair share of time into there as well.

I’ve been in a couple of guilds for years, then finally took the leap of starting my own with a close circle of friends who were like minded. We grew a team from us 5, to a guild of 60 that was pushing the content we wanted to and we were doing it our way. When we created we we divided power in five directions so that no one person had too much on their plate as well nothing feeling like a dictatorship. Every decision could have discussion if we had differing opinions on it. We have a Raid Leader, We have a DPS (damage dealer) Leader, we have a Healing Leader, we have a Bank Master (who handles all finances and the guild bank), and we have a Guild Master who is basically the executive and oversees everything else.

GM was placed on my pedestal and it’s a role I embraced. I am the tie breaker on any decision that requires it and I can offer my opinion on anything. I never put my officers in a position of being questioned out loud, as their power needs to never be in question. Communication is either done privately in a direct message or a separate Discord channel. The team and guild need to respect each leader’s position and if I undercut them then my team will think that it’s okay to do the same. We decided around the same time as my SL exit that taking a raid break was the best decision for us. The content had gotten to the point where we could do it, but we’d accomplished our goals and it was just monotonous at that stage. Better to give the team a breather going into the holidays and regroup later.

There’s always a worry of losing people when you take a break like that. People grow apart, find new games, or just don’t want to come back because they’re not feeling it. I worried about that, but I respect that they all have to make their choices. We’ll be ramping back up soon and while I don’t have everyone back, we’ve managed to rebuild a team that should be able to once again accomplish the goals we have, and if we can’t then I can take solace in knowing that we did what we wanted to do, we succeeded at it, and while it was not everlasting, I’ll always remember the great times with some amazing people. I initially will not be back in there with them, but I plan to be in short order. Thankfully I have flexible people who can fill my role in my absence.

I’ve filled time with a lot of reflection on every aspect of life. Music very much played a huge part in helping with that. I refocused my energy into areas that I had been neglecting and while I’ve still got plenty to keep improving upon, I feel the most like myself that I have in a very long time. I never thought I’d even get close to being back to that. There have obviously been changes from all of the things I’ve experienced and been through, but the me that I’ve been missing is in sight. Hell maybe this post is a sign of that, it’s the first time in ages I’ve felt like it was something worth doing and here I am. I’ve loved and lost, left and and been left, felt like I’ve had nowhere to go and wanted to be anywhere else at the same time. I’ve tried more times than I can count and failed ten times more than that. I still do. But going forward is the only choice. All the things that have happened and they way they happened was the path I was given. I’ve walked it for long enough, time to change course. Take a chance. There’s no reward if there’s no risk.

It’s time, I’ve moved into Chapter V. A lot of those very chapters have been covered here or moved here with me when I started. Chapter I being the shortest as that all predated any of my time in this virtual space and maybe someday I go back and really flesh that out more. It would probably be therapeutic to do. Maybe. This new chapter is mine and mine alone. If I’m here, I’m here solely because I want to be here and do what I want to do. I’ve said that before I know, but I’m not looking for anything anymore. All I need is the “me” I had lost along the way. This new chapter has more promise than any before it, and that is no slight to anyone in those chapters, I loved, I learned, I lost, I failed, I triumphed, I did my best. Where things go from there I can’t predict, but for the first time in a long time I don’t want to predict anything.

“Show me where it hurts and give me something real
And lead me to the part of you that never really heals
And say the words that burn when they leave your mouth
You tell me your story, but don’t leave the good parts out”
Andy Grammer – The Good Parts

Credits:

Head: LeLUTKA.Head.Skyler.3.1 ~ Jaden Nova
Head Applier: STRAY DOG – GREG – LELUTKA – TONE 04 ~ Gac Akina
Beard: [MAGNIFICENT] THOR Bun – Grooming Hair – LeBarbier Alpha
Hairbase: LeLUTKA.EvoX.Hairbase.044 (BOM) ~ Jaden Nova (Comes with the LeLUTKA Skyler Head)
Ears: ^^Swallow^^ Urban Ears ~ Luciayes Magic
Eyes: Avi-Glam. Fame Eyes – Lake ~ Kendra Parfort
Beard: [MAGNIFICENT] DUCKY SKUNK – Beard – LeBarbier Alpha
Beard Layer: Volkstone Rey Facial Hair // 004 TINTABLE (BOM) ~ Daves Hexem
Body: [LEGACY] Athletic Edition (1.1) ~ MeshBody Resident
Skin: STRAY DOG – Legacy Skin – TONE 04 (BOM) ~ Gac Akina
Tattoo: IDTTY Body Shop – Dead Hope ~ Melissa Hindrabar

Shirt: NATIVE URBAN – Rolled Jersey LEGACY ~ NativeUrban Resident ~ NEW @ Uber (Feb 25-Mar 22)
Pants: <kalback> Everyday Jeans M4_Regular Cuffs (Legacy) ~ Patrix Beck
Shoes: [Shoeminati] xDunkLow Revamp – Chunky Dunky – Legacy Male ~ seanbmills419 Resident ~ NEW @ Mainstore
Rings: Legal Insanity – Phylum rings Legacy (right hand) ~ DATRIP Blackbart
Watch: [Deadwool] Blue moon – all colors – 36 mm – mat. ON ~ Masa Plympton

Pose: M E R C H– ACTION PACK TRAVELERS POSEPACK (BENTO) ~ Rojoleon Resident