Tell me I was never good enough
Remind me of the demons that I’ve been running from
Tell me who the hell you thought I was
Or just blame it on the person, the person I’ve become
I Prevail – Hurricane
Unfortunately this is not the post I had planned to make earlier. That one will still be coming but it’s just going to have to wait a day or two. I wanted to shoot it last night, but things changed and here we are. This one is more of a frustration post compared to that one. But that’s where I’m at right now so it is what it is. I found myself questioning things lately, things that I didn’t think I would be, at least not at this point. The fact that I had to even question them this early on is a problem in it’s own right. I should have stuck to my guns but I didn’t and that’s on me. We all make mistakes and I will gladly own mine.
Originally I thought that maybe this was all just in my head, hence this song being a fitting connection due to the content of the video and the meaning behind it. (To be clear I’m not depressed. I am insanely irritated with certain parts, but I know what I did and didn’t do.) But as one day became two, and two became three, it became harder to just write off as an “in my head” thing. I also didn’t just make a decision on the spot. I’d like to think I’m quite upfront about who I am and how I do things. I won’t promise something that I’m not going to follow through with and I don’t hide the way I feel about things if they’re making me feel like shit.
I tried to explain things because communication didn’t seem to be the going great, well that communication apparently was incorrect. So then I tried a bit of space for an afternoon. (Should I have maybe said that, possibly, but with how the days prior went I made the call to just stay off for the afternoon/evening.) Well you’d have thought I had just murdered someone when all I tried to do was the opposite of what wasn’t working. Sometimes you just can’t win. There’s a few reasons for that and I guess if it isn’t clear then it’s best that I just elaborate on it.
First, I’m the type of person that stands their ground on things. If I believe something and have the facts to back it up I’m not going to just cave. Now that doesn’t mean the other person or people can’t be right too. They sure can. But don’t expect me to give in just because you fight with me about it. That’s a losing battle for both of us. It’s better to just agree to disagree there and let it be what it is. The awesome thing about opinions is, we all have them, they’re all different.
Secondly I’m the bend, but don’t break type. I will forgive, but not forget. If you burn me, then don’t expect me to not burn back, because I will if it’s merited. I’ve given second chances before and most of the time those have proven to be foolish. So if you’re looking for one of those, it is earned, not given. If you’re going to attack me, you better make damn sure you’re right, because if you’re not, you -will- lose. Maybe not at first, but you will. I promise.
Over the past few days I have found myself playing a lot of defense. As I said previously I thought maybe it was just me after the first time. Then the next day it became two and it was pretty irritating. Then two turned into three and then I couldn’t just ignore it and say it was me anymore. There was discussion about the situation and I’ll be honest, I don’t think I was wrong in the way I was taking things over the course of those days. Keep in mind that’s my opinion of it. I’m not perfect so maybe I missed something, or maybe I was wasn’t wrong at all. I don’t think anyone will ever know the answer there.
Someone smart said to me that without talking we have no connection to each other. Because really, in terms of Second Life, that’s how you start and form any kind of connection with someone. Without it what do we really have? Most often they’re many many miles away from where you are so what do you do? You talk. You get to know them, you learn, you grow, you understand. Or at least you think you do in some cases.
Now I’m sure I could be better at that part. I’d like to think that for the most part once I get to know someone I do my best to communicate. I’ll be honest though, if I feel like my communication is just causing problems then yeah I probably won’t communicate as much. When you feel like you have no choice but to play defense just because you explain something or try to make something clear, then what’s the point right?
Needless to say it doesn’t matter anymore when it comes to this one. Change happens one way or another and this time it already has. You probably know by now I have never been the type to be afraid to strike a match. If that’s what I have to do for me to be content again with where things are for me personally, then let it burn. I’m not going to sit and be miserable because I never know what the right thing to say is. That’s stupid.
Maybe my expectations of things were too high, maybe I made some mistakes, because let the record show I can and do admit when I’m wrong. On this one I was wrong, wrong to change my mind, wrong to consider it, and wrong to try it. See how easy it is for me to admit? I took the chance and it was a mistake. Shit happens. But don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m just going to take it and pretend it didn’t happen. I’m fair but I won’t be a door mat for you or anyone else. I haven’t before and I don’t plan to start doing it now. At first I wasn’t looking for an out but now you got what you wanted. I’m out.
It hit me like a hurricane
It hit me like a tidal wave
And I don’t know why I drown my mind, it got the best of me
I Prevail – Hurricane
Pose: RKPoses_Brandon_1 ~ Keon Xenga
Head: CATWA HEAD Victor [SL Neck] v3.2
Head Applier: Clef de Peau.Cody T3 ~ Marcopol Oh
Hair: Stealthic – Baron (Browns) ~ Stealthic Resident
Hairbase: Stealthic – Male Hairbase ~ Stealthic Resident
Brows: Clef de Peau.EB v.32 Brown Omega [CATWA] Applier ~ Marcopol Oh
Ears: [MANDALA] Stretched_Ears_Season2 GOLD – Kikunosuke Eel
Eyes: Avi-Glam. Dramatic Eyes – Pond ~ Kendra Parfort
Beard: GA EG – Magnificent [MF] Victor Bento Hipster Stache & Beard Medium – Sun ~ ElleEtGance Resident
Body: Slink Physique MALE Mesh Body ~ Siddean Munro
Body Applier: Clef de Peau.Body Tight T3 ~ Marcopol Oh
Hands: Slink Hands – Dynamic ~ Siddean Munro
Feet: Slink Avatar Enhancement Feet Male Flat ~ Siddean Munro
Tattoo: Oxydate. Feed the Beast Tattoo_Bodies Applier ~ MonaSax95 Resident