I’ll drink ’til it’s empty
Stay out ’til it’s dead
I’ll wake up at midday
And marry my bed
I’ll kiss all the women
Get punched in the head
You could offer the world, baby
But I’ll take this instead, yeah
Niall Horan – On My Own
This is not the post I promised you. It’s still coming but I got another idea that I felt fit this a lot better than the prior one. So here we are. With Lucky not knowing what to write again cause that’s the best way to do things! I was going to shoot on Friday night but time got away from me and by the time I thought about it again it was 4am. Now 2am maybe I can make that work, but 4am, I’m nearing seeing the sunlight by then so no bueno. The same thing happened Saturday and with raid on Sunday and Monday it’s hard to see this arriving before Tuesday. Unfortunate because I had intended to make my deadline. Shit happens right? As usual these are all free flowing thoughts, so take them as you will, but like always it’s my blog and I’m gonna say what I feel. Thanks for understanding that.
I’ve been going back and forth on a certain subject quite a bit lately and without going too far into it I really have no idea what I want to do yet. With everything there are pros and cons and believe me I have sat and weighed them numerous times and still I have no idea of where I’m going. Fuck it, why be vague. Vague gets you nowhere really because it’s just avoiding matters. So there was a time, not even that long ago where I felt like I -needed- someone else around or in my life for it to feel right. Now I know that’s not necessarily the case and no I didn’t go to therapy anything to figure that out. It took some time and a lot of thinking and realizing that other people and things don’t define me. I define me. Period. Other people and things can help sure, but did I -need- them to justify my own worth. The honest answer now is “No.” I don’t, and in reality I probably didn’t before but I had myself so convinced that I did that I kind of lost myself amongst the wreckage.
I’ve talked often about that wreckage here, be it in detail or not, and for me at the time I could justify certain aspects of it through various situations. Even with no definite answers to the whys or how’s of it. I’d go well I must have done X or Y or Z and that’s what it is. But that’s not the case. It wasn’t then and it wasn’t now. We’re so wired in ways that a lot of us will doubt ourselves when in reality it wasn’t anything that we did or said. It’s just life. Nothing in it is perfect and anyone who wants to believe that it is wrong. I’m sorry but they are flat out wrong. Perfect is never something to aim for. It’s impossible and we’re not getting there. What should you strive for? To be better than you were the minute, hour, day before. To treat people in ways that you would want them to treat you.
When it comes to relationships, and by those I don’t mean friendships, although one could apply similar things to them as well. But when it comes to relationships it is a never ending effort of always working at it. You have to. If you care at all about it every day you work at it. Somedays you’ll have the bad day and you’ll need that partner to bring you up. Other days they’ll have the bad day and you’ll need to help bring them up. It’s a constant back and forth of trying. Not every day will be sunshine and roses, but they aren’t all shit either.
So relationships. Back to those. I’ve said it before, in fact here’s a direct quote from Dear… ;
“So as I’ve said numerous times before I have long since reached the point where I’m about 99.9% positive that I am finished with SL relationships. It’s not that I don’t believe in them or that I dislike them. Quite the contrary. I’ve been there more a time or two and while each was it’s own adventure of sorts, they all kind of ended either crazily or unexplainably. Does that mean it couldn’t change? Honestly if I had to say right now I would say no it won’t change. I’m pretty set on that and I’ve even questioned myself on it recently. I do believe that ship has sailed.”
I’ve thought often about it, especially lately, and I’ve never been one to lie so out of respect to honesty my stance remains the same now. I’m not sure that I want to go further on anything more than I am now. It’s not that I don’t have great possibilities. I do. I just find myself really in the middle of an evolution of sorts where for the first time in quite a while I don’t feel like I -need- someone else to make things feel right. I am totally okay on my own. It’s new and different and something that I’m still adjusting to daily. But when it comes to a post like Dear… I won’t remove that shroud of anonymity of who it might be about because that defeats the purpose. At the same time I don’t want anyone to assume that it might be them. I don’t lead people on, so if and when something would happen know that it will be clear as day. That’s as far as I’m willing to say. I just don’t know when that will be and I don’t want anyone to waste their time while even I have no idea.
In short I want something to happen because it happens, not because it was made to happen. I’m not saying anyone is trying to make something happen because that’s not true. But I’m at a place where if it’s going to happen I want it to be because it did not because of anything else. I hope that makes sense, I know it does to me at this time of night (2:27am) so maybe a few hours from now that’ll read differently. I’m happy being Lucky and just Lucky for the first time in a long while and I’m going to ride that wave a bit. I’ll always say never say never, things can always change, but they’ll change when it’s right and not before.
So where does that leave me at this very moment. Clean. Not clean in the I finally showered sense, not clean in the I just got off drugs/alcohol sense, but clean in the I feel like right now I am where I am supposed to be. It really fits with title of my last post “Life Is Gonna Find You When It’s Supposed To.” Where do we go from here? That’s the joy of it, no one knows, not even me. All in due time my friends, all in due time.
Everybody’s got somebody
I just wanna be alone
Well, I don’t need no one
Have too much fun
Out here on my own
Niall Horan – On My Own
Pose: shi.s.poses BENTO male #19 – C wear ~ Shiva Swords ~ NEW @ The Liaison Collaborative (Apr 3-Apr 26)
Head: CATWA HEAD Victor [SL Neck] v3.2 ~ Catwa Clip
Head Applier: Clef de Peau.Clef de Peau.Oscar T4 [CATWA] ~ Marcopol Oh
Hair: Stealthic – Psycho (Unrigged) ~ Stealthic Resident
Hairbase: Stealthic – Male Hairbase ~ Stealthic Resident
Eyes: Avi-Glam Luster Eyes – Kendra Parfort
Ears: [MANDALA] STEKING_Ears_Season5 – Kikunosuke Eel
Beard: [MF] Victor Bento Hipster Stache & Beard Medium – Night ~ Stefandetoifrench75 Janus
Body: Slink Physique MALE Mesh Body V2.06 ~ Siddean Munro
Body Applier: Clef de Peau.Body Tight T4 ~ Marcopol Oh
Hands: Slink Hands – Dynamic – Male V1.02 ~ Siddean Munro
Building: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Pub RARE ~ GACHA ~ Soyer Roussel
Bar: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Pub Bar RARE ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Gin Bottle ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Whiskey Bottle ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Vodka Bottle ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer India Pale Ale Bottle ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Brandy Bottle ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Creme De Menthe ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Strong Ale Bottle ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Red Wine Bottle ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Bottle: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer White Wine Bottle ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Ice Bucket: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Ice Bucket ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Wine Glass: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Wine Glass ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Optics: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Bar Optics ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Coasters: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Beer Mats ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Beer Glass: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Beer Tankard ~ GACHA ~ Rheinhard Kappler
Shaker: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Cocktail Shaker Prop ~ GACHA ~ Electronic Mode
Bell: MadPea Bow Bells Boozer Last Orders Bell ~ GACHA ~ Electronic Mode
Whiskey Bottle: [ kunst ] – Whiskey bottle uncapped / deco ~ Kunst Himmel
Beer Crate: .:revival:. beer crate 1 ~ Momentous Resident
Pizza Boxes: ..::THOR::.. PizzaLounge Stack Of Pizza Boxes ~ Andraus Thor
Open Pizza Box: ..::THOR::.. PizzaLounge Boxed Pizza – Slices ~ Andraus Thor
Pizza Slice: ..::THOR::.. BONUS Pizza Slice ~ Andraus Thor