“I didn’t see it coming
But I never really had much faith
In the universe’s magic, oh no
Till it pulled us to that time and place
And I’ll never forget
When the floodgates opened, we, we cried an ocean
It still has me choking, it’s hard to explain
I know you know me, you don’t have to show me”
Bring Me The Horizon – Mother Tongue
I have found myself in a very weird place over the last day or so and I have to say I’m not sure why. I regularly am up late into the night because that is truly when I do my best thinking and when I am at my creative peak in my opinion. Over the last night or two I’ve found myself wrapped in a certain type of movie/music/whatever it might be kind of mindset. I have wracked my brain over the what’s or why’s of it and to be fair I really don’t know why. I have my thoughts on it but nothing concrete enough to make much sense. (FYI: In advance this is a really long post but I couldn’t stop writing and didn’t want to break it into pieces. If you make it all the way through thanks. If not I get it.)
I have never been the kind of person who cares or worries about being on their own. I deal the same either way so I have always viewed in that lens of if I’m on my own, I’m on my own. There have been points where I have felt like I found the right person, and there have been the points where those right people have ended up not being right. Live and learn right? I won’t lie and say that it didn’t sting at the time, it always does. It probably always will if you’re not a heartless human being right? Yes, there are times where looking back on some of them still does, but at the same time it all happens for one reason or another.
Maybe it’s me seeing the “joy” (notice a trend yet?) that my SL brother has with his significant other. Maybe it’s just me getting inside of my own head again. Fuck knows. I’ve thought of blogging off and on, but without any strings because I really don’t want to be tied down in any way, shape, or form. I’ve thought of building which I quite enjoy but am not sure I have enough time to really pull off at this moment in time. I just do not know what “it” is at all. Maybe there isn’t an “it” to look for? I’ve thought about it in the month since I came back and I’ll be honest I still haven’t found my “it.” For the record no Brenna, I don’t mean your IT, there are no red balloons even if I am enough of an asshole to torture you with those. (Pro-tip: don’t do it. I sent her some tonight I’m lucky to have survived this time.) Brennan will cackle at that and you’ll probably consider killing me. So anyone who reads this, if I disappear out of nowhere, Brenna Reinerman killed me. Thanks. I am secretly hoping she decides I’m better left alive but shit happens.
Joy has been a recurring theme lately for me though. Since coming back and using Joy as my launch pad, it’s made me re-evaluate more than a few things. Now that first post established the idea very strongly, thank you again Matthew McConaughey. My second post, well it kind of reads opposite if you don’t catch the right parts. The reasoning is obvious in the post but if you didn’t read it or missed I’ll explain. I love creators who bring joy to the grid through the things they create. I will say that probably applies to all creators, I firmly believe that. In my post I addressed two specifically due to their presence both in my post and through their kindness and support in the past.
That’s where joy ties into it. As the first post says Happiness is an outcome, joy is the always under construction thing that lies in your own hands. Sure to a degree you control your happiness, but its true that it is an outcome mostly, usually reliant upon another person or thing in your life. Joy could be viewed similarly but it makes sense to not look at it that way. I’m not sure I’m making sense, but I hope you understand. If you don’t, go read Joy. Then come back here and pick back up. If you left, welcome back, and if you didn’t thanks for sticking around.
Let’s take a quick look at some of the past year plus. A year ago I was off the grid, I had decided previously that my time in SL was done. Then I took a drive with Brennan. He slyly coaxed me back into knowing that I missed the creativity and if I didn’t do that it’d be nice to hang out. So I did it. I came back, you can find actual evidence of that right here on this very blog (March, April, May, and finally July.) That lone post in July was truly meant to be the end for me here. I felt good about it then. Guess I was wrong? I didn’t know how long I’d come back for. It could be short, it could long, it could an hour, or a minute. It ended up being about 6 months in total. I didn’t do a ton but I enjoyed what I did. I had things in terms of SL that I knew I needed to deal with personally and I did to a comfortable extent. Closing a chapter of your life is never easy, especially one that you viewed in a good light before, but I had to do it. For me and me only, and I did.
I still miss things about that time and I do find myself wondering about the questions I will never have answers to. Besides it’s not always worth it to know. Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss and I think this is that. I left the grid again in July feeling like I did what I needed to. I could have stayed and pursued other possibilities in various things, but I chose not to. Maybe I wasn’t ready to do it, maybe I didn’t want it. Maybe I still don’t. I came back again though. What can I say I missed the creativity. I did however promise myself that I would not do or commit to anything that I wasn’t 100% in on, on my own. Not with someone else’s opinion or thoughts, none of that. If I didn’t want it, I promised myself that I would not even consider an idea. That’s why this blog is the way it is. It is my Second Life blog. I don’t have a real life one, I don’t want to and I don’t plan to. But if there is one thing you’ve noticed I often (if not almost always) go outside of the Second Life bubble in my posts.
It’s cathartic for me. I write what I feel. I write what I think even if I don’t completely know what it is myself. I am and pretty much always have been totally unfiltered here. I will never tell you I like something if I don’t. My opinion is never bought and has never been for sale. Nor will it ever be. That I can promise you. Another thing that’s important is there will never be a regularly scheduled program here. I post when I feel like it’s right for me. That’s more or less what’s really making me stick thus far. As I’ve said before throughout my latest hiatus I actually did sit down and write often. At it’s current total there are 14 drafts saved. It’s a good chance none of those ever end up going live and that’s alright. Whether or not someone else reads them doesn’t matter to me. I wrote for me. So some weeks you might see a post, maybe two, but that will be the rarity, not the norm. That’s the way I want it.
I applaud my brother Brennan greatly for not only his persistence and consistency in posting, but for trying things I know he wouldn’t have a couple of years ago. He didn’t know it (until recently) that I was keeping tabs on what he’d post even being off the grid. I had those email notifications setup but I was smart enough to not like/comment because I wanted him to push the envelope because of he believed it. He sure has and then some. By the way if you for some reason don’t know of his work you should take a look at These Conversations Kill. He is dedicated and writes exceptionally thorough posts. If you’re a designer or and event that’s looking for a blogger, I can’t think of someone I could recommend more. I might be biased but I honestly believe it.
I recall one night, around the time I was working on Break The Glass, us talking about going outside of the box. It was at a time when he felt like he had hit a wall and I knew better (in my opinion.) We’ve all been there before but some people need a little push so I did my best to push without being a dick. If you know me, you know how challenging that was. I told him go outside of his comfort zone, push himself, do the things he wouldn’t normally do. The only way to improve or break through if you felt you’ve hit a wall is to work on something you haven’t done or are afraid to do. Only -you- set your ceiling. Never let it define you or your work. It is 100% in your control, no matter what anyone else might suggest. In the end if you are happy with it, then that’s what matters most.
I really don’t know where things will go from here. I’m going to try and maintain more a presence in Second Life, whilst still raiding four nights a week, plus the regular every day life. It could work out well, or it could go up in flames. But, I’ve been burned before so what’s one more if it comes to it. As I said on Facebook the other night I so clearly walked right into a trap question. I mean completely walked into it. Not by accident, I knew it was, the person even said as much. But, in the last year or so I’ve learned that if you choose to avoid all of those situations sometimes you miss out on some pretty good things. I’ve done it before and in this case I didn’t want to again. So I answered honestly and maybe it blows up in my face, but you never know if you don’t try. We shall see when and if the time comes right?
From start to finish this blog has taken approximately ten days to finish. Now that’s not a straight working every one of those ten days things though. Between when I started and hopefully when it goes up it won’t be much longer than that. It’s not how I planned it but sometimes you just gotta roll with it. Other things took priority and I chose those over finishing. I finally did figure out a shot I liked, which you’ve already seen if you’ve made it this far. A certain someone has a habit of burning me or others at the most opportune of times. I turned this moment into one of those. She’s smiling because she knows she got me again, and I’m pretty much face palming as I always am when she does. It’s kind of like walking into a trap you know is already set, just to see what happens.
His Pose: WRONG – WG 4-6 ~ Gacha ~ SatanLoveM Resident
Head: CATWA HEAD Victor [SL Neck] v3.2 ~ Catwa Clip
Head Applier: Clef de Peau.Clef de Peau.Oscar T4 [CATWA] ~ Marcopol Oh
Hair: lock&tuft – frank v1 ~ AlyxxBanks Resident
Hairbase: Stealthic – Male Hairbase ~ Stealthic Resident
Brows: IDTTY Faces – CATWA Appliers [Heavy Eyebrows] ~ Melissa Hindrabar
Ears: [MANDALA] STEKING_Ears_Season5 – Kikunosuke Eel
Beard: GA EG – Magnificent [MF] Victor Bento Hipster Stache & Beard Medium – Night ~ ElleEtGance Resident
Body: Slink Physique MALE Mesh Body V2.06 ~ Siddean Munro
Body Applier: Clef de Peau.Body Tight T4 ~ Marcopol Oh
Hands: Slink Hands – Dynamic ~ Siddean Munro
Feet: Slink Avatar Enhancement Feet Male Flat ~ Siddean Munro
Tattoo: DAPPA – Wrath Tattoo ~ KarlosGuerrero Resident
Jacket: [Deadwool] Hart jacket – Slink – all colors ~ Masa Plympton
Pants: [Deadwool] Hart trousers – Slink – no break – all colors ~ Masa Plympton
Shoes: [Deadwool] Oxford shoes – Slink – all colors ~ Masa Plympton
Her Pose: The Owl. Bento Static Poses #59/2 ~ LiFetisova Resident
Head: CATWA HEAD Catya v3.2 ~ Catwa Clip
Hair: TRUTH / Bloom ~ Truth Hawks
Head Applier: L’Etre – Heidi Skin [Pearl Tone] ~ Dam1710 Resident
Eyes: AG. Dramatic Eyes – Fall ~ Kendra Parfort
Ears: [MANDALA] STEKING_EARS_Season5 – Kikunosuke Eel
Body: Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1 ~ Onyx Lashelle
Skin Applier: L’Etre – Maitreya Body Appliers [Pearl tone] ~ Dam1710 Resident
Nails: Hello Dave – Nail Appliers – Perfect Housewife ~ Maia Gasparini