August 16, 2021-
Before I get into my thoughts I want to first take a moment to thank everyone who showed up today, and those who sent their prayers and thoughts because they couldn’t make it. We all appreciate it greatly. I posted on Grandmas page for you and I hope it brings you some peace and you find the closure we all sought after everything.
I’ve watched a lot of things go on in the past month as we dealt with the falls and the ultimate outcome of losing Grandma. There isn’t much that bothers me more than the utter lack of respect shown to her memory after she passed. I don’t know how others think, I do know how I think. I would have never ever, disrespected her or her memory in trying to wipe all things out in a blink. It hurt and I’ll be honest I am still pissed off about it. I am not going to name names, as there is no point in that, but just know that if Grandma was our last link in terms of anything, it’s done. I will not forgive and forget what I saw happen, what I was told, and how many other people were cast aside in the pursuit of quickness. You best remember Grandma was a fighter and she will most certainly not look down on that kindly. You can toss everything away, you can move on from it all, you can call in the vultures, but know that you lost my respect as of that moment.
It’s a sad time for all of us, but I know we will all reach that point eventually. Her page has been memorialized on Facebook and you are free to post memories or thoughts of her on there. I know she’s sitting there on her laptop checking her Facebook out to see what’s going on. Because that’s how she was. I’m thankful that she got to see four great grandchildren, five grandchildren, and of course everyone else that is family and friend. Most would be sitting and wishing there was a way to change things or trying to find another opinion on what could be done. I know some of us thought about it prior to where we are now. I’m glad we didn’t though. Because that’s not what she wanted, not ever.
I know because I had that conversation with her. At first, to me, it was strange because I didn’t really understand the -why- of having it when we did. It was well after Grandpa has passed and at that point she was in relatively good health for her age. I can’t recall precisely when it was. Fast forward to now and I am glad that she got to make her own decisions before things went downhill. I’ll miss her and I am sad but I understand that it’s part of life.
Knowing what she had wanted makes it easier because sitting somewhere on machines for months, or being in rehab, or a home, or whatever it may have been isn’t her. She would not have been happy that way. The way I look it, any decision that wasn’t what she wanted, would be a selfish choice and while no one made one (thanks Grandma for taking that one out of our hands) I know some may have contemplated it. Not necessarily to be selfish, but because they never talked to her about what she wanted to happen if it came to that. I take solace in that I did know, and this outcome is what she said. She went out on her terms, comfortably and now gets to be back with Grandpa. I know she wanted that more than anything, life truly never was the same after he was gone. I’m glad she’ll get to be reunited.
For those who were trying to act like last minute saviors and act like we weren’t doing things right, I ask that you kindly piss off. You didn’t know what she wanted, and you weren’t around enough to even try to convince me that you did. Where were you when she needed help? How often did you go talk football or basketball (yes she’d talk basketball with me even though she didn’t really know basketball)? Where were you when she fell the first time? If you cared so much why didn’t you show up?
If you knew Grandma she’d tell you there was no sense in sitting there watching her sleep until it was her time. She would tell you to take your vacation, to go home and sleep, that you have to work in the morning, that you need to be doing something else. For those of us who have been around these past couple of years, you all know this is true, she would never want you endlessly waiting. Remember the good times, the memories that matter most, she wouldn’t want you remembering her lying in the hospital as the time ticked down. I am sad to hear that not everyone who wanted to, got the opportunity to join the funeral procession and see her through to the final resting place. I know in my heart she wouldn’t have wanted that done to you. I can’t go back and change it but please know I care and feel awful hearing you couldn’t.
I’ll get off my soapbox now, but just know, as pretty much the only one who ever was told what she wanted, this was it. I would have hated having to make the decision, but I would have fought my ass off for her if I had to, because she wanted it the way she wanted it. It’s in these moments that you can’t be selfish, you do what is right and what she wanted. Ultimately life won out, as it always will. We did our best and I know she knows that. I’m at peace right along with her.
I apologize for the long post and you can read it however you would like, but I’m tired of people who didn’t care to be around when it wasn’t convenient for them or didn’t make them look good. You did not matter in this. Your opinion did not matter in this. Going out on her terms, forever thinking she ran the world, hell maybe that’s why she made it to 83. May she rest peacefully, 2020 taught me that life can throw a ton of curve balls at you, and Grandma isn’t the first, but they all hurt equally. The easiest way through is knowing you did what she asked, I can live with that, because -I- was there and this is what Grandma wanted. In closing, I’m not being specific because that would take away from the point, that things were done the way she wanted, so if you think I’m talking about you, you should take a look in the mirror and ask yourself. I know what I did. I know it’s what she wanted. Did you?