“Never gonna get it right
Always running out of time
Well I don’t mind
Every time I try and speak
No ones even listening
Well I don’t mind”
Mayday Parade – I Can’t Do This Anymore
I love posts like this. The raw, real, internal kind. This in a way is a call back to Dear… and while it follows the same premise, it is it’s own creation and one I finally felt like I could sit down and write out. Enjoy it if you want, skip it if you so choose. It’s all good either way.
I didn’t expect to sit and write this one out and yet here I am. I’ll be honest in that it took me a couple of weeks to really sort things out and I finally arrived at confirmation of my thoughts a few days ago.
You are many things; intelligent, kind, thoughtful, funny, sweet, motivated, resilient, and much more. You are also devious, confusing, and so many other things. It’s a flip of the coin and I wish that were not the case.
As before I’ve never been one to not speak my mind on things and this is no different.
While this post follows a similar premise to Dear… it is different. Starting with the fact that I truthfully do know where it ultimately ends. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not yet really. But it is the truth and at the end of the day that is what matters. It is one that only a month ago I would have never anticipated but you live and learn. Expect the unexpected. We grow as we go. I don’t regret anything I did because that was all authentic. I do regret allowing myself to be convinced that things were a certain way, and I’ll be frank when I say I don’t fault myself for that thinking. It’s very safe to say that you were quite the puppet master and even I cannot say whether or not that was intentional. That bothers me a lot, because when you needed someone to be the 80% to your 20% I did it endlessly.
Life has a weird way of things all lining up and seeming like it’s just the way that it’s supposed to be. I found myself in that position around my birthday last year and it was strange yet intriguing at the same time. The aforementioned C is a friend and one that was dealing with a lot of things going on. Now we all know I myself can be and claim that my default attitude is asshole. But, I felt like she needed someone that gave a damn because it was very clearly not something she was handling well on her own. So I reached out. It started out slowly and progressed as time went on to the point of talking every day for hours about anything and everything. We were already friends and knew some things about one another, but we came to know a lot more over those conversations. While this ended up not going the direction that I think either of us anticipated, I will cherish those chats. I needed them just as much as she did, even if she didn’t know that.
Some might call them wasted hours as things didn’t end up where we thought. I suppose even I could but that would be foolish. I learned a lot, both about her and myself. There were a lot of days where we literally were what got the other through the day. Sometimes I’m 80% and she’s 20%. Sometimes it was the opposite, even if she would argue that was not possible. As I’ve said in previous posts, the last year has been a whirlwind of what seems to be unending death. 3 grandparents, an uncle, 2 family friends, it just seems to be endless. I anticipate more before 2022 closes as well. She was on the phone when my last grandparent took her last breath. She didn’t know it had happened at that moment though. She knew it was coming and even I didn’t know how long it would take. It ended up being in the midst of us talking about something and while I knew and could have told her, I chose not to. Some of you might wonder why and it’s honestly very simple. I needed the conversation to keep going so my mind didn’t set and dwell on something I couldn’t control. I did end up telling her after we talked a while longer. This is what I mean when I say they weren’t wasted conversations. I needed them, more than I care to admit.
We had a ton of similar interests, more things that lined up than I’ve ever come across, just weird universe type stuff. For a while it seemed like a really good thing and it probably still is. There’s just a sting from it falling short, but I’ll survive. It got me to take the first real vacation I’ve taken in years. To see things I’d never seen before and be somewhere I had never been. I’ll never forget those things or that time. I don’t regret a single second spent talking, not sleeping (lord knows I did a lot of that), of being the 80% a lot, any of it. It -was- the right thing to do. It didn’t work out and that is life. Even the best laid plans can and do go awry. This just happened to be one of those times. We’re still friendly and talk, albeit less than before, but it’s for the best. So thank you C for giving me a refresh on life, for picking me up when I needed it (even if you didn’t know), and for the kindness you showed. Maybe in another universe these events played out differently. We’ll never know, but I hope if they did that it’s going amazing for those two.
I’ll leave you with a sampling of some of the vacation photos. Like I said not everything was bad and the world did not end because of the direction things went. It just was a fork in the road and whatever path this is I’ll follow until the next one. I’ve lived more, learned, tried new things, and I’m okay. Credits as always are done below and there are a lot of them. Please do check these amazing creators out because they made this entire scene possible.
“But I can’t escape it anymore
I’m alone in this
If I can’t decipher what is real
Maybe it’s all fake
Inside it almost feels
Like I’ve been here once before
And I can’t do this anymore”
Mayday Parade – I Can’t Do This Anymore
Head: LeLUTKA.Head.NOA.3.1 ~ Jaden Nova
Head Applier: STRAY DOG – GREG – LELUTKA – TONE 04 ~ Gac Akina
Beard: [MAGNIFICENT] THOR Bun – Grooming Hair – LeBarbier Alpha
Hairbase: LeLUTKA.EvoX.Hairbase.044 (BOM) ~ Jaden Nova (Comes with the LeLUTKA NOA Head)
Ears: ^^Swallow^^ Urban Ears ~ Luciayes Magic
Beard: [MAGNIFICENT] DUCKY SKUNK – Beard – LeBarbier Alpha
Beard Layer: Volkstone Rey Facial Hair // 004 TINTABLE (BOM) ~ Daves Hexem
Body: [LEGACY] Athletic Edition (1.1) ~ MeshBody Resident
Skin: STRAY DOG – Legacy Skin – TONE 04 (BOM) ~ Gac Akina
Tattoo: IDTTY Body Shop – Dead Hope ~ Melissa Hindrabar
Head: CATWA HEAD Catya v4.5 ~ Catwa Clip
Hair: TRUTH / Vivid / ~ Truth Hawks
Head Applier: L’Etre – Heidi [Cotton Tone] ~ Dam1710 Resident
Ears: [MANDALA] STEKING_EARS_Season5 – Kikunosuke Eel
Body: Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V5.3 ~ Onyx Lashelle
Skin Applier: L’Etre – Maitreya Body Appliers [Cotton tone] ~ Dam1710 Resident
Surround: Landscapes Unlimited THE MIRROR BOX 128×128 ~ Sominel Edelman
Pose: Ana Poses – Us ~ Fanny Finney
Dog 1: [Rezz Room] Jack Russell Adult Animesh (Companion) ~ Bartazor Resident
Dog 2: [Rezz Room] Corgi Puppy Animesh (Companion) ~ Bartazor Resident
Leashes: +Half-Deer+ Dog Clutter ~ Halogen Magic
Dog Toys: +Half-Deer+ Dog Clutter ~ Halogen Magic
Picnic Blanket: dust bunny . summer picnic . picnic quilt ~ Noel Bunny
Pillows: dust bunny . summer picnic . pillow pile ~ Noel Bunny
Picnic Basket: dust bunny . summer picnic . picnic basket RARE ~ Noel Bunny
Ukulele: dust bunny . summer picnic . ukulele classic ~ Noel Bunny
Silverware Basket: dust bunny . summer picnic . silverware basket ~ Noel Bunny
Cheese Wheel: dust bunny . summer picnic . cheese wheel ~ Noel Bunny
Bread Tray: dust bunny . summer picnic . bread tray ~ Noel Bunny
Sandwiches: dust bunny . summer picnic . deli sandwiches ~ Noel Bunny
Wine Glasses: 220ML – Wine Decanters Pack – Cup ~ Jonas Acanthus
Wine: 220ML – Wine Storage Table – Granffinah Bottle ~ Jonas Acanthus
Lantern: Trompe Loeil – Nautical Lantern ~ Cory Edo
Foliage 1: Skye Tropical Plants Set ~ Alex Bader
Foliage 2: Skye Temperate Shrubs Set ~ Alex Bader
Rocks: :Fanatik Architecture: LOFOTEN Summer ~ Kendra Zaurak